The renovation within
Last weekend and after an extended delay, our renovation started. My wife (Belinda) and I have been planning this renovation for the past 3 years. The idea first germinated as she fell of the stairs to the back door of our house and I muttered somewhat unconvincingly, “I should fix those steps”. The next thing I knew, we were talking to architects about how to best position the back steps in relation to the “indoor-outdoor” living space that was to replace where our kitchen was currently located.
And this past weekend we started. With a heavy swing of a hammer, the first hole appeared in the lounge room wall. It was quickly followed by another, and another. For more than five years I have diligently protected that wall from harm – mindfully making sure that I did not knock it when moving furniture, being careful not to spill food or drink upon it, calmly informing my two nephews to not drive their little toy trucks into it. And now, within a matter of a few minutes, the wall is not more.
In knocking the first hole in that wall I felt emotion arising within me – a sense of anger, and of hurt. At the time I ignored those feelings (my first error) and as they grew I suppressed them even further (my second error). It was only as I reflected upon the my first day as a ‘renovator’ that I reconnected with my feelings of the day and questioned, “Why?” Why was I feeling angry? Why was I feeling hurt?
Our beautiful house – not without its many blemishes – was a home of many loving memories. It was not the first house Belinda and I had lived in, but it was our first true home. It got me thinking that what is really happening for me at this time is an inner renovation. I am tearing down some walls within – opening myself up, moving some of my inner “living spaces”, and putting on some big bi-fold doors to reconnect my “indoor” and my “outdoor” rooms.
In knocking down the first internal wall in my physical house I was struck by how long it had been there. The plaster must have been put up in the 1920’s. And the same could apply to my walls within – erected in a time that feels like decades ago, diligently protected from an damage by my the stories I told myself … “don’t get to close to that wall because to damage it will make you feel angry and hurt!”
What was really amazing is what was behind that physical wall in my house. As I tore down the plaster, a second wall was revealed. This second wall was covered in ornate wallpaper. Deep chocolate brown edging with intricate imagery coupled with a lighter mocha colour. Even though it was damaged in places where the newer wall had been affixed to it, it had a sense of wonder and history to it. I wondered as I looked at the older and more ornate wall, why would you cover this?
And the same can be said for my inner renovation. During my life, I have erected walls over older walls, over older walls … over even older walls. Each wall had a beauty to it at the time it was erected, but quickly lost its veneer so another wall was erected over the top of it. But, slowly removing each wall within reveals a beauty – and wonder and history – that is worthy of celebration. The best renovation within is to tear down some of my inner walls and open myself up to an experience of the mental, emotional and spiritual spaciousness of “open-plan living”. I know those around me would enjoy a more expansive experience of me.